Learning to be a Mom and Care of Self
I had every intention of starting this blog and keeping up with my posts every week. I wanted to go above and beyond. Not because I wanted to be better than anyone else, or that I wanted to impress the teacher but because I really feel passionate about learning how to be a good parent and I wanted to be able to review years down the road, everything I was learned during my time in this class.. Well, here I am, 5 weeks into the 7 week course, and I'm just starting... But as they say, it's best to begin at the beginning, so that's what I'm doing.
Original Photo: Sara Farnsworth
I had this misconception early in my parenting career. I felt that because God designed us to multiply and replenish the human race, that parenting skills would just come naturally. That our protective instincts would just appear spontaneously when our first child was born. I thought that God would inspire me and strengthen me to meet any and all challenges that come along with parenting my individual children.
I was right...and I was wrong.
When my first daughter was born - she was so little and so sweet. I loved her instantly! I absolutely would have sacrificed everything I held dear to protect her and keep her safe and well. And because those feelings came so quickly and naturally, I just assumed everything else would too. And while God has most certainly inspired and strengthen me, I was wrong in assuming that I didn't need to go out and seek the knowledge and skills that would increase my ability to be a better parent. I was naive in the idea that I wouldn't struggle over and over, in so many areas, just because I was trying to do my best - even though I was so uneducated.
I've learned a lot in the last 23 years.
And still, I have so much more to learn.
It seems as though we finally start to figure things out just in time for our children to begin leaving the house as adults. It's difficult to look back and not blame and shame oneself for all the ignorant, impatient, foolish mistakes that were made. Guilt is real, and it can inhibit one's ability to progress and improve. But there is the beautiful gift of repentance. We can learn new things. We can ask our children for forgiveness, and show them we are changing. We can make our relationships better.
A favorite quote of mine comes from the book, The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews:
"I understand that God did not put in me the ability to always make right decisions. He did, however, put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right."
No matter where we are as spouses, parents, people, we can start here and now to correct our choices and begin to make them right - but it'll take work and an increase of knowledge.
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I shared a thought in my class that has been a powerful insight that I gained many years ago;
When we undertake any important task, such as welding, making macarons, sewing a dress, we learn as much about it as we can. So why wouldn't we do our homework and learn about how to become a good parent, since that is by far one of the most eternally significant tasks we will undertake. Why learn by trial and error and at the cost of our children's well-being, when we could avoid a lot of error if we would just pick up a book and read.
I gained this insight partly from actually picking up a book and reading it. I learned so much in that first parenting book, In Their Own Way by Thomas Armstrong. It probably wasn't even the book with the most value for me at the time, but it had just enough value that it changed my parenting course for the better. But this was all by chance. No one ever said to me, "Sara, it would be really wise for you to learn about parenting styles and how they affect children." Or, "Sara, there are many ways to discipline your child, but some are far more hurtful than helpful, and not all are created equal."
We have our life's greatest work, past, present, and future, in our children. And success isn't measured by how well they impress our peers, or our parents. Success isn't measured by the small number of mistakes they make, how quickly they jump when we demand they do so. Success is measured by how safe they feel being vulnerable with us. It's measured by how well they know we love them, we respect them as individuals, and how much we trust them to be everything they were sent here to be.
Original Photo: Sara Farnsworth
We aren't here to dominate over them. We aren't here to make them feel small and make them subject to our wish and will. We are here for the important task of guiding them to become great - in spite of our own shortcomings and weaknesses. And when we accept this call - and do everything in our power to learn how to perform the task well, then are we fit instruments in the hand of God to bring about the miracles of life.
So how do we do this?
Obviously, as was already mentioned, we can gain an education. We can learn from good books and good mentors the proper and best ways to parent children.
But what more can be done?
I will answer that by relating my own faulty mindset as a young mom.
I had a mother that was gone all the time. She had what she considered a bad marriage and she loved her career. She was also sorely neglecting the education of her children, and this caused guilt - not enough to change her course, but enough to stay away and avoid the reminders. All of these where her reasons to stay away from home. And when she was home, she usually wasn't happy and emotionally, she often checked out, or was unpleasant to be around. All of this was rather traumatic for me. Because of this experience, I was determined to avoid making the same choices as my mother did, so I was always with my kids. I never took time for myself. Not that I should have taken a lot. Some parents take it to an extreme, but I was on the other side of the spectrum.
I wanted to make sure that I was giving my all and my everything. But then what's likely to happen? Little can be offered from an empty cup. A well that has gone dry, offers no life replenishing water. We can't inspire the creativity in others, especially our children, when we don't foster our own creativity.
In some wise counsel from President Marion G. Romney, we are reminded,
"Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak."
As parents, we are called upon to do all of those things; serve, feed, support, teach, and spiritually lead our children. When I talk about taking time to care for yourself, I don't mean taking two hours every evening to watch your favorite show. I don't mean leaving every weekend to go spend time with girlfriends. I don't mean running away from your struggles.
What I do mean, is that we need to stop, turn, and face our struggles. Then get on our knees and pray for guidance. And then finally, get back on our feet and begin the hard work of finding the answers. Of course, the occasional time just 'vegging', the development of talents, the fostering of friendships are all important and good, needed, and useful in their own rite. But we need to go beyond all of that.
We need to take time for ourselves to become our very best self! And we can only do that as we engage in the very best means and method of self-development. If we can learn how to increase our patience, to manage our stress, or to better organize our homes, we won't need those 'escapes' aforementioned. We won't feel the urge to run away.
So here I am, at then end of my first post; nearing the end of my course. I've learned so much, I still have so much more to learn - and so much more to practice. But this much I'm sure of - We can do it! We must do it! And the way has been provided that we can find success in being good parents. And it all starts with us. When we take responsibility for our actions and our choices, we then gain some control over the outcome. If I wan't taught how to be a good parent from my own parents, then it's my job to seek out that teaching. And in so doing I can change the world! And so can you.
Works Cited
Andrews, A. (2005). The traveler’s gift : seven decisions that determine personal success. Nelson Books.
Armstrong, T. (1987). In their own way : discovering and encouraging your child’s personal learning style. J.P. Tarcher ; New York.
Romney, M. G. (1982, October 1). The Celestial Nature of Self-reliance. Www.Churchofjesuschrist.org. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng
The Importance of Self-Care. (n.d.). Perimeter Healthcare. https://www.perimeterhealthcare.com/about/news/the-importance-of-self-care/#:~:text=is%20it%20Important%3F-
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