The Parenting Pyramid and Parenting Styles

 This was a second reading for me - years ago a friend recommended it to me. Now, I'm recommending it to you.

 One of the most powerful and applicable messages in this article is the idea of pausing. Giving yourself time to ponder and cool down before reacting. When we take this time, we change our 'reaction' to an 'action'. The whole world can change in that short span of time - especially for our children.

Original Image: Sara Farnsworth

The article, The Parenting Pyramid, was written by the Arbinger Institute and can be found here.

I will surely do it an injustice by trying to sum it all up here, so please, go read it for yourself. But just for my own benefit, I'll try to do a simple recap. 

Often as parents, we seek to correct our children. Their speech, their manners, their fashion sense... We often are overly eager and zealous about correcting our children. And while there are things that need correction - often what is really needed is teaching.

As we all know, because we have personally experienced, we are taught best be someone with whom we have a strong, safe, solid relationship.

The Parenting Pyramid by the Arbinger Institute

Frequently, as parents we spend our time thinking more on the less important question; 'What do we do when things go wrong?' If we, instead, spent more of our mental energy focusing on the more important question of, 'How do we help things go right?' we would frequently find far better answers with far better solutions.

In short, when it comes to parenting our children, for correction to be effective, we must first teach. 

For teaching to be effective, we first must have a good relationship with the child.

For the relationship to be in a good place, we must first have a good relationship with their other parent, who is also, hopefully, our spouse.

For us to have a good relationship with our spouse, we must first fine-tune our personal way of being. Are we honest, kind, and polite? Do we avoid sarcasm, bullying, and aggression? Are we trying to increase our patience, generosity, and forgiveness?

Easily said - not as easily practiced. But, as with everything, the more we work at it - the more grit we muster (that will be discussed in a later post), the better we get at it, and the better we will feel about our efforts. 

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All of this fits well into the topic of parenting styles. Specifically Authoritarian, Permissive, Authoritative, and Uninvolved. As the word suggests, being Authoritarian isn't ideal. I don't know about you, but some of the "major players" from WWII come to mind when I think of the term authoritarian. Permissive is an equally dangerous parenting style. I say dangerous because both are harmful to the parent/child relationship. As is the situation with an Uninvolved parent. Additionally, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Uninvolved styles can be dangerous to the mental, physical and/or emotional well being of the child.

To give an example of the Authoritative parenting style, I've included an explanation passage I wrote for the class;

Parenting authoritatively demonstrates that the parent is confidently and firmly aware that he/she is the responsible party, the one in charge. At the same time, it suggests that the parent is humble enough to realize that he/she doesn’t know everything, and that there are lessons for both parent and child to learn. One simple example of this would be allowing children to choose what they want to wear. There are times when it isn’t appropriate to wear the favorite shorts, with the favorite shirt and the sparkly shoes, but there are other times when it really doesn’t matter and it’s okay to allow the child to make choices, within reason, for themselves. When a parent is authoritative a child can safely approach them in every situation, knowing that the parent will be supportive and reasonable. This makes for a good relationship.

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If I could have one takeaway from all this material and information, it would be the increase of my personal understanding of parenting styles. I am seeking to better make sense out of my childhood and to better understand why my parents did what they did.  I recently saw an Instagram post that struck me like a thunderbolt;

"One of the most deeply fulfilling, yet intensely challenging parts of motherhood has been the illumination of old wounds asking to be healed."        --Shelly Robinson @raising_yourself

 So for me, this week, learning more was instrumental in that healing that I'm seeking. Additionally, the clearer understanding of what works best for children in general has helped me fine-tune my parenting methods. I feel like I'm pretty good at emulating an authoritative parenting style, and I've certainly improved over the last two decades of being a mom - but there is always room for better applications of good parenting intentions.

Works Cited

THE PARENTING PYRAMID. (n.d.). https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

Morin, A. (2012, July 16). 4 Types of Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids. Verywell Family; Verywellfamily. https://www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

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