Understand: Gender, Roles, Rules, Development, and Discipline

My outline for this blog will come from The National Extension Parenting Education Model. Within the model there are seven focus categories:

Care for Self
Understand
Guide
Nurture
Motivate
Develop
Advocate

In my first post, we covered Care for Self. Today I would like to touch on Understand.

The Thinker, 1904 by Auguste Rodin

It's a funny thing, how we encounter coincidences. The opening story for this material in my university class discusses a long-time practicing OB/GYN and a mother about to have her 10th child. She feels like she's beginning labor and the doctor says she won't be delivering for a few days still. Who do you trust?

In my own life, just this past month, my youngest daughter had her braces taken off. Her teeth were perfect! She got her retainers and we when home. A few days later, she said that her jaw wasn't closing right, and that her front teeth were grinding together. So we made another appointment, went back in and the orthodontist said that he thought she might need jaw surgery or that perhaps she had sleep apnea! What!?! So, we took the retainers and left. Fast forward 2 weeks - she's still struggling to chew, and she isn't happy at all. So, I tell her to stop wearing the bottom retainer and see if it gets better... and you know what? It did. It's time to call the orthodontist again! Sleep apnea, my foot! Did I mention that our home and her orthodontist are 6.5 hours apart?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are so many things that a parent should understand - so what exactly is meant by this focus topic title? Specifically, it is to understand Parenting and Gender, to understand Roles vs. Rules, to understand the Ages and Stages of a child's development, and to understand proper methods of Discipline and Punishment and the appropriate application of those methods.

Phew! That's a lot of material to cover. It can be pretty heavy stuff to think about, talk about, and remember, both as a former child on the receiving end, and as an ignorant parent on the giving end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's start with Parenting and Gender.

It's true, that boys and girls are different. Sometimes, they are very different. Sometimes a daughter will behavior like a stereotypical girl and a son will act like a stereotypical boy. And sometimes not. Even if a family has only sons or only daughters, each one will likely be a little, or a lot, different. One son may be 'bookish' while another is very athletic. One daughter might be very gentle and feminine while another is rather 'tomboyish'. What's important to remember is that when it comes to non-negotiable matters, such as dating, academics, or modesty, and when it comes to family rules, such as chores, respect, and opportunities, we should parent each gender the same. 

There are dangers to gender-based parenting. In a discussion board, I posted the following:

"One of the most obvious dangers in gender-based parenting is that it perpetuates gender inequality. This obviously isn’t to be confused with gender-sameness. Males and Females are different, and for very good reasons. But they are equal in intrinsic value. Other dangers include fostering sibling rivalry, emotional burdens and barriers between parent/child and between siblings, and falling into the trap of not learning who your child is as an individual. Parenting them in the ‘one size fits all [boys] or [girls]' method leads to misunderstanding, frustration, and anxiety just to name a few."

 Learning how to engage in parenting equality with our sons and daughters promotes gender equality in the world at large. It doesn't undermine the uniqueness of each gender - instead it allows the parent and child to better see and be seen as an individual, regardless of their gender.

Original Image: Sara Farnsworth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next, let's touch on Ages and Stages of Development

There is a lot to cover, and more than I could really do justice here. But I'll give it an honest effort and then give you links to go get more information.

When I was about 3 years old, my mother married my step-father. He was a firm believer that children were just small adults and that they should behave as such. I, on the other hand, have maintained the belief that I'm not raising children, I'm starting with children;  I'm raising adults. Like a farmer that 'raises tomatoes' long before the fruit appears, I wanted to start with the end in mind. I also wanted appropriate expectations at each age and stage in that process of 'raising'.

There are three domains (physical, cognitive, and socio-emotional) and four age stages (birth-2 years-old, 3-6 years-old, 7-11 years-old, and 12-17 years-old)

A great website to learn about the development in the first 5 years of a child's life is found here at Help Me Grow and conducting a Google search will product lots of information.

Studying all of this reminded me of something I learned from Kirk Duncan at 3Key Elements. He said, "Expectation without agreement equals frustration." While Duncan was speaking about adults, and husbands and wives specifically, I believe that it can be altered a little and applied to parents and children. We can't expect our 5 year-old to think or act like a 12 year-old, no matter how much we want them to - their developmental process didn't agree to that. And if we expect it, we will be forever frustrated, and that will lead to frustrating our child as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last sub-topic I'd like to address is that of Discipline and Punishment.

Image Source: Unknown

As discussed in my last post, I discussed The Parenting Pyramid and parenting styles - this began the discussion of discipline, but I'd like to delve a little deeper here

Brigham Young is quoted as instructing, 

“Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you.”

We later received this from Gordon B Hinckley,

"In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example."

Proverbs 13:24 - Spare the Rod... I have a firm belief in what that actually means. In the Book of Mormon we are taught that the Rod of Iron by which man found the Tree of Life is the Word of God, meaning the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the words of the living prophets. The Rod is not a battery tool! It is not a physical weapon to punishment a child. To spare the rod would then imply that it is held back, that it isn't used, or that it isn't applied. If we don't raise our children with the Word of God, we will spoil them. If a child is spared the teaching of the Lord, and the correction that comes in the scriptures, their character will be marred. They won’t know how to properly govern themselves nor will they know how to appropriately and properly engage with mankind around them – a state of being what I would consider 'spoiled' – of little to no value to themselves or those with whom they associate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weeks takeaway? Be the change you want to see in your world. You want more gender equality? Treat yourself and your spouse as equals. Treat your sons and daughters as equals. You want obedient children? Then discipline them with love and through teaching - fear doesn't change the will - only love can do that. You want to be more patient with your child? Educate yourself on what reasonable expectations you should have for them in their given age and stage. Life is short. The time spent parenting small children is even shorter - don't waste it.

Works Cited

Help Me Grow MN. (2020). Helpmegrowmn.org. https://helpmegrowmn.org/HMG/index.html

MC 038: 3 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make in Communicating - The Marriage Code Podcast. (n.d.). Poddtoppen. Retrieved November 30, 2020, from https://poddtoppen.se/podcast/1329099465/the-marriage-code-podcast/mc-038-3-biggest-mistakes-couples-make-in-communicating

Young, B., & John Andreas Widtsoe. (2004). Discourses of Brigham Young, second President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Kessinger.

Presidency, G. B. H. C. in the F. (2004, October). Save the Children. Www.Churchofjesuschrist.org. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1994/10/save-the-children?lang=eng

‌‌