Guide through Language - for better or worse!

 Let's start out with a good cry, shall we?

 The following story comes from the 1978 Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech given by Astrid Lingren, called Never Violence.

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me.'

 

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - - one can raise children into violence."

This week we will overlap a little with what we talked about in the last post, Discipline and Punishment

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In class, we've used some real books - not textbooks. That's my favorite way to learn! Reading comes far more naturally when you're not reading from a textbook, and the author is, at least generally speaking, far more inspiring.

While some of the material covers physical abuse, much of it covers verbal unkindness, unnecessarily harsh verbal punishments or reactions, and abuse. From The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, we learn,

"Thomas Mann, Nobel laureate in literature, said, “Speech is civilization itself.” Yet words can brutalize as well as civilize, injure as well as heal. Parents need a lan­guage of compassion, a language that lingers lovingly. They need words that convey feelings, responses that change moods, statements that encourage goodwill, answers that bring insight, replies that radiate respect. The world talks to the mind. Parents speak more inti­mately, they speak to the heart, when they adopt a lan­guage of caring, which is sensitive to children’s needs and feelings. It not only helps children develop a positive image of themselves that is confident and secure but also teaches them to treat their parents with respect and consideration."

And in Between Parent and Child, we are taught, 

"Children who have been verbally abused by their parents often have more psychological problems than those who have been physically abused. For example, children whose parents are constantly nasty, insulting, or demeaning are at heightened risk for many types of difficulties, ranging from poor self-esteem to clinical depression."

I am all too acquainted with uncivilized language. It's something that I loathe! I especially dislike sarcasm. If you do a Google search on the etymology of the word sarcasm, it states, "

The word comes from the Greek σαρκασμός (sarkasmós) which is taken from σαρκάζειν (sarkázein) meaning "to tear flesh..." 

When I first heard this, it spoke VOLUMES to me. I know how it feels when someone has spoken sarcastically to to me - it feels as though the flesh of my heart has been torn. It literally, physically hurts, it aches.

Original Image: Sara Farnsworth

 

Over the years, I've come to realize that sarcasm is the devil's humor. It's the easiest humor, It takes very little effort or whit. It is always used at the expense of another. It hurts relationships and tears apart connection. It destroys the faith one person has in another. Sounds like something that would come from him.

The breadth and depth of the content covered in just a single chapter of each of these books was really impressive. It would seem as though there is value in purchasing the books and reading them, cover to cover. I'm sure that I wish I had before I had my first, second, third...child. But it's never too late. Partly because an apology can go a really long way toward healing old wounds. In fact, last week I was talking to my oldest daughter about her first grade year and how hard that school was, how much homework they sent home, and how she would cry nearly every evening... It hurts me to remember it. I was so ignorant. But I apologized to her, for my ignorance, for my inexperience, and for not recognizing what she needed at the time. It didn't undo what was done, but it validated her feelings and her experience and it helped the wound heal a little bit more. 

I believe the same can happen regarding just about anything - and especially our poor parenting moments and practices. Our children, I'm sure, want to know that we've changed, even if it comes long after they've left the home.

A quick overview of what you can lean about in these books are as follows (and this is in just these two chapters):

1. Never use physical punishment.
2. Don't be verbally abusive.
3. Controlling your anger.
4. The right way to punish.
5. The beginning of wisdom is listening.
6. Do not deny your child's perceptions.
7. Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution.
8. When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun "I."
9. Praising.
10. Learn to say "no."
11. Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives.

Original Image: Sara Farnsworth

One of my favorite thoughts came from my instructor, Cheryl Hixson. She said that one of her favorite sayings was, 

"It's okay to be mad. It's not okay to be mean."

That is SO simple, so straightforward. It's powerful!

How we speak to our children really matters. We are often far kinder to strangers that we are with our kids. I hear too much trash-talk, too much impatience, too much criticism, too much sarcasm. We can, should, and really must do away with it. We have the power, we can learn the skills. We can heal the past and fortify the future if we will step up and change the way we use our words.

Years back, I was at a political rally at Southern Utah University, and hanging in the great hall was a banner that stated, "Language is the dress of thought." I love that. I love it because I am a big fan of dressing well and with intention. Clothes may not make the man, but they sure make the man feel a certain way! I also love words; In the Beginning was the Word... what power lies within our mouth. So to combine the two is genius. When we are unkind verbally to another, we are expressing in our words, our language, the inner thoughts that lie deep within. We tell our children that we think they are stupid, clumsy, lazy, annoying. We tell them that they aren't worth our time, our money, our patience. And we do it all so quickly and easily. We need to stop.

We can say nice things and we can say hard things nicely. To everyone.

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Works Cited

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & H  Wallace Goddard. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House ; London.

Steinberg, L. D. (2004). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster.

Effects of Sarcasm on Kids. (n.d.). Focus on the Family. Retrieved December 11, 2020, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/effects-of-sarcasm-on-kids/

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